I have a problem.
I no longer fully recognize the person who wrote this blog. My online life in its entirety feels distant and weird to me.
Everything that's happened in the past year has changed me. The whole Writing School thing. Maybe one day I'll tell you all about it. Now I feel wonderfully disoriented. Meeting all these people, hearing all these stories, being challenged in all these new ways has turned me into a better writer, and probably even a better person, and now it makes me uncomfortable to know that these earlier versions of me exist on the internet. Like a series of drunken selfies.
Phineas, my dear friend — what should I do? Should I just erase this online presence?
I probably shouldn't. I don't want to lose you in the dark as well.
Maybe this is just a passing moment of confusion and I'll get over it.
How are you, by the way?
Sunday, 9 October 2022
Dear Phineas,
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Dear Olli,
ReplyDeleteIt doesn’t really sound like a problem.
Only you can decide what course of action is best for you, and it sounds like you have. It’s sad that you feel your “former” selves unworthy of continued existence. Perhaps it’s simply another instance of something better coming along. I’m not sure what that says about the tens of thousands of times people like me viewed those writings you now wish to eradicate. Who knows? Maybe the “current you” will be reflected upon better in the years ahead.
There was always a possibility that one day you might just appear never more. The reality is you owe nobody your continued presence. There are no guarantees in life, especially in the online realm.
I guess that’s all, except to wish you well in your pursuits, and good health.
I suppose the paradoxical Problem is how massively important these blogs were to me for so long. These writings were my way of understanding who I was. And my way of becoming who I wanted to become. So I don't seriously have anything against this blog, or the earlier ones... They're not "drunken selfies". I mean, they saved my life. Or at least gave me a life when I needed one. Several lives, actually.
DeleteBut all the things that made these blogs so defining and powerful are also the reasons why it all feels so oppressive now. It was absurdly painful to go through this blog back in January. Like trying to wear some clothes I loved when I was 18, and then panicking because they don't fit anymore. Or like a class reunion, where people automatically start playing the roles they used to play in high school. Sometimes the power of a context is so strong that you simply need to find a new context if you want to move on.
That seems to have happened now. This past year has really put everything in motion again. Apparently, this is all I needed. Meeting people who have no idea who I used to be, in order to figure out who I am now. It doesn't mean saying goodbye to whatever was good in the earlier versions. It means refinement.
In any case, I'm not disappearing. Actually, our friendship has always been lopsided in the sense that you CAN disappear if you just feel like it. But you know my name, you'll always be able to find me, and I'll always be here, or somewhere, if you need me. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do regarding these blogs, but even if we lose this context, we can always find a new one. Preferably, a bar somewhere. My writing muscles are so tired. Consider this a serious invitation.