To all the people who may feel like I don't want them in my life

That's really not the case. I know that this is the impression I tend to consistently give to my friends, or people who could become my friends. But in reality, I'm just tired and a moron.

I've noticed that when I'm tired (and a moron), my relationships with other people are the first thing to suffer.

There are so many things I would do differently if I could go back in time. The truest truth is that I really want to know you. And I want you to know me.

This is just a general message to people I've known, or almost known, over the past six and a half years. I'm not trying to imply that there are masses of people desperately trying to befriend me all the time.

In general, being alone doesn't bother me the way it bothers most humans. I'm used to it. I spent my teenage years in a state of total friendlessness. I talked to no one and no one talked to me. I learned to enjoy it. During that time I also became a writer, and because a lot of my writing took place on the internet, in 2014, when my teenage years were drawing to a close, there were suddenly a lot of people (who'd seemingly appeared out of nowhere) who wanted to get to know me.

It was a really radical transition from isolation to suddenly having a wild social life. The most interesting and soulful people I'd ever met, and they all wanted to get to know me. I felt like Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

Then I started writing this book... and slowly but surely, I've returned to a life where it's mostly just me and my thoughts.

Subjectively, it's very colourful, and I often feel like I'm finding new territories. But to an outside observer, my life would probably seem unusually stagnant.

People have come and gone, found new people, new cities, jobs, lives, identities. And year after year, I've stayed here, where I've always been. Seemingly frozen in time. Trying to write this book.

I do have a few friends that I consider close. Some people that I'll probably always know (even though I've sometimes fucked up as a friend and still feel like I haven't properly explained/apologized, and sometimes my conscience is like a large dark stone). It's just that right now, I very rarely see them. Even before this coronavirus thing started, I noticed a kind of silence starting to define my life again.

It's a familiar feeling... I've been here before.

When this book is finished (or alternatively, finally abandoned as an impossible feat), I'm going to have to find a less consuming relationship to writing, maybe even take a break from it, just live as a human being among other human beings, experience life again, say "yes" to things and let the outer world become the adventure it can be...

That's the plan, at least. But if you, the person reading this, want to get to know me, for whatever reason, let me know. Maybe we could be friends, or have something to give each other. Weirdness is good. I don't judge anyone. It's OK if you think you're stupid. It's even OK if you see yourself as a monster that has no place in society. Let's be friends.

For some reason, my email address is kvister@hotmail.com.