Oh my god. A lot of the stuff that the brain creates when it's sleeping is really funny, you just have to wake up to notice that. The sleeping brain is always serious.
Strange thought number 5330023: Calling the universe "God" makes as much sense as calling it "the universe". There's no reason why this natural reality and its mysterious, complicated logic couldn't be "God", constantly creating it/him/herself. Right? This way you can go from atheism to theism in less than a second. You're welcome!
Yesterday was one of those days when I look like Oasis. This has been going on for several years now. It's hard to explain; sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think "I look like Oasis".
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| Oasis |
Today was one of those days that you find almost impossible to remember two days later. Actually, most days have been like that lately. Somebody old but important died, and then I caught the flu, and then I've just been sort of floating in nothingness... I haven't written anything. My head's been silent, and not in a good way. It feels like I've been oddly far away from who I am. All the... I don't know, depth that's usually present in my life, I haven't felt that.
I'm not describing depression now – this is not even depression. Suddenly it's like 50% of me is sleeping, and the scary thing is that the other half just doesn't really care, it doesn't have the power to miss being alive. Everything is just pale and I don't notice anything. In this state, I just watch TV.
One of my persistent fears is that this mildness and lack of intensity and meaning is how "most people" experience life. This probably sounds like a strange thing to be afraid of. Forgive me, it's just one of those shitty things I haven't been able to get out of my brain. I know that talking about it makes me sound like a fool.
Usually, in my own everyday life, there's... hmm, a sense of meaning. And because of that meaningfulness, there are moments when.....
How should I phrase this?
Moments when I feel genuinely alive – just deeply glad to be alive – usually as a result of creative stuff happening in my head. Realizing stuff, connecting stuff, remembering stuff, daydreaming stuff. In a weird way, I often feel like I'm having fun on some deeper level, even when life is not going so well on other levels.
I rarely talk about this to anyone, because I'm afraid that the other person wouldn't know what I'm talking about. I've had a couple of experiences of trying to talk about this to somebody and the other person just looking genuinely blank, like what I'm saying is in a foreign language. That bothers me deeply. Maybe the main problem is just failed communication on my part (my communication is always failed), but I think there might be more to this than that.
It's a known fact that humans have a tendency to assume that the inner lives of other people are somehow less rich than their own. I'm aware of that. But that's not really what I'm trying to say. I guess what I'm trying to say is that people seem bored, especially with their own minds. I believe that they seem bored because they are bored. I'd also like to think that nobody's doomed to this kind of boredom.
I have so much to say about everything. This wasn't all. This was just 1%. Just give me some time, please.
I'm not describing depression now – this is not even depression. Suddenly it's like 50% of me is sleeping, and the scary thing is that the other half just doesn't really care, it doesn't have the power to miss being alive. Everything is just pale and I don't notice anything. In this state, I just watch TV.
One of my persistent fears is that this mildness and lack of intensity and meaning is how "most people" experience life. This probably sounds like a strange thing to be afraid of. Forgive me, it's just one of those shitty things I haven't been able to get out of my brain. I know that talking about it makes me sound like a fool.
Usually, in my own everyday life, there's... hmm, a sense of meaning. And because of that meaningfulness, there are moments when.....
How should I phrase this?
Moments when I feel genuinely alive – just deeply glad to be alive – usually as a result of creative stuff happening in my head. Realizing stuff, connecting stuff, remembering stuff, daydreaming stuff. In a weird way, I often feel like I'm having fun on some deeper level, even when life is not going so well on other levels.
I rarely talk about this to anyone, because I'm afraid that the other person wouldn't know what I'm talking about. I've had a couple of experiences of trying to talk about this to somebody and the other person just looking genuinely blank, like what I'm saying is in a foreign language. That bothers me deeply. Maybe the main problem is just failed communication on my part (my communication is always failed), but I think there might be more to this than that.
It's a known fact that humans have a tendency to assume that the inner lives of other people are somehow less rich than their own. I'm aware of that. But that's not really what I'm trying to say. I guess what I'm trying to say is that people seem bored, especially with their own minds. I believe that they seem bored because they are bored. I'd also like to think that nobody's doomed to this kind of boredom.
I have so much to say about everything. This wasn't all. This was just 1%. Just give me some time, please.
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